just a phase

After a few queries, I learned of a phase people undergo three years after a beginning as ours. If this is that phase, I may just be right on schedule. Question is, how long will this phase last? For how long will I last? And if I do survive this phase, what then?

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During the first year, I was filled with gratitude. I never once thought I could be worthy of you. Whatever made you decide to consider me, I am awfully thankful for it. Being with you is where I wanted to be. I wanted it strong enough to gather up the nerve to ask. Normally, I’d just resign to the fact that I’m not worthy of you. It’s very seldom that I get to find something I badly want. It’s one of those moments when one doesn’t bother to think anymore.

I just knew what I wanted I thought no more.

A year passed and I constantly found myself in doubt. Do I really deserve you? Sometimes I find myself striving to hard to prove myself worthy of you. Those moments of doubt became more frequent and so I strived harder. These days, I can barely keep up with you. And I think I’m starting to get tired of the idea of proving myself worthy of you. Perhaps, just isn’t the way it should be.

After a few queries, I learned of a phase people undergo three years after a beginning as ours. If this is that phase, I may just be right on schedule. Question is, how long will this phase last? For how long will I last?  And if I do survive this phase, what then?

relativity

One complains about what isn’t fair and what is not right. One sees tasks as difficult and yes – exhausting. There’s that phase when one feels overworked and “undercompensated”. We focus on what we see and what we experience. We make judgements based on what should be and what is.

What we fail to do is to consider things in relation to what was, what is, and what will/can be. We fail to see what we are experiencing relative to what we could be experiencing had we lived in parallel realities of what ifs. Things will never be as good – or as bad – as we expected them to be.

It’s not about  being treated fairly or being treated right. Really, it where you’re being treated better.

One complains about what isn’t fair and what is not right. One sees tasks as difficult and yes – exhausting. There’s that phase when one feels overworked and “undercompensated”.  We focus on what we see and what we experience. We make judgements based on what should be and what is.

What we fail to do is to consider things in relation to what was, what is, and what will/can be. We fail to see what we are experiencing relative to what we could be experiencing had we lived in parallel realities of what ifs. Things will never be as good – or as bad – as we expected them to be.

One may feel unfairly treated. Life may suck at the moment (or perhaps over a prolonged period of time). It could be worse. Things are perceived better or worse depending on the basis one uses for comparison. Today will always be better – in some way. This life is better than that of the past or of another’s – somehow.

Everything depends on what you want to dwell on: how things are worse in the now compared with before or how life is better here than elsewhere.

into oblivion

I’d like to believe I love writing. But these days, I seldom find myself writing. How can one not devote time for things they love? I have developed this list of excuses not to write. I skipped dates in my journal. Day would pass without an entry. Sometimes, days would pass without an entry – and I would be aware of it. Whenever I see my journal, I’d feel guilty, disappointed, … How could I not take time to write? Something which I claim I love?

I’d like to believe I love writing. But these days, I seldom find myself writing. How can one not devote time for things they love? I have developed this list of excuses not to write. I skipped dates in my journal. Day would pass without an entry. Sometimes, days would pass without an entry – and I would be aware of it. Whenever I see my journal, I’d feel guilty, disappointed, … How could I not take time to write? Something which I claim I love?

I used to look forward to those moments I when I could write. Sometimes, I’d force myself into writing anything – and I’ll end up with a babble (in text format) of nonsensical things that happened earlier in the day. “Is that the best you can come up with?” mocked that irritating voice in my head. “You’re high school self would have done way better, it taunted. And I thought “I couldn’t agree more.

When writing started to become something I have to do instead of something I’d rather do, I wrote shorter and less. I ended up with entries written so I can say I have written something. The entries were dull, uninspired, and forced. I’d easily forget what I wrote. I try to recall what motivated to write during high school. Those days, I wrote about everything. I even got to fill the ages of a notebook with poems. I tried short stories. I don’t think they were any good. What I do want to experience is that joy – that sense of fulfillment I got whenever I completed a piece. I didn’t care if people read or not or if they found it a good read. I was just happy I got to write and completed something – anything.

I tell myself I like to write – that I love to write. I try to recall why I learned to love it. Here’s what I was able to come up with. I love writing because it’s the simplest way (at least for me) to express my thoughts. With writing, I can express myself in silence; I can go back and get to know who I was and what life was like a few years back; I can learn from my selfish mistakes, my acts of stupidity, and the choices I’ve made; I can practice my editing skills; and more importantly,  I get to be reminded of the reasons I want to write. I, being my forgetful self, have been writing for the sake of – well, writing. I aimed to complete a daily entry. I required myself to write. I focused too much on what I needed to come up with that I forgot why I even write. I used to write simply because I wanted to. It definitely wasn’t because I was required to.