been here

It’s been a long while since I found myself in a similar situation. Everyone was more calm. Arrangements were immediately made and things were set in motion. We’re doing better. We’ve had a lot of practice in the past.

It was a great night for a walk. The air cleansed by the downpour earlier and the wind cold. For some reason, I thought I should go pay my sister a visit – plus I also had to have some logo designs approved. It is very seldom that I’d be willing to leave the comfort of the cafe, all settled with warm cappuccino and some quiet. So I went for a walk.

I wasn’t supposed to stay with them. The third sister asked me to be there. So there I was, back in a scene seemingly picked from a nightmare I had long ago. There’s this familiar feeling of being lost, head throbbing from the confusion and doubt.

It’s that battle between the good daughter, the selfish individual, the objective outsider, and the practical observer. There was also the sarcastic me and the supposedly emphatic communicator.

A little more than a year and I found myself watching the same performance. This time, it had little effect on me. Shuddered at the thought that someone could  that engrossed in their own reality. I found amusement (just a little, sick I know) from watching how paranoia and lack (or absence) of reason could result to such monologues of supposedly persuasion. I am right, you’re wrong and I’m the only one intelligent enough to see are some of the common themes of these persuasive pieces. I am amazed at how the will to persuade can result to cunningly using emotional attachment and the induction of guilt.

At some point, one starts to worry. One realizes the power of words.  Then it becomes terrifying to see someone who intentionally uses words to cause pain and self-doubt. To hear someone endlessly repeating the same account, it makes one wonder if it is you or herself that she’s trying to convince.  It’s something a child should not be exposed to. It’s disturbing.

The downpour now reduced to a trickle, that day has ended a few hours ago. Back at the cafe late in the afternoon, I was thinking about how uneventful the day was. Now sleep won’t come to me. It seems that my system is in shock. Major decisions carried out in a span of two hours; ties were severed; and peace of mind, nearly a stranger, was found once more.

‘Til next time.

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