Got a call. It made me aware of the 12-hour distance. These calls, I used to dread. These days, it’s such a prize. I don’t really know what I did to deserve it but I am thankful. I know I could have done way better in the past to even get close to being worthy of such calls. Some people are just too kind, too generous with their time.
There’s that want to rush to the nearest bus bound south and sleep the entire half a day trip. When I wake up, I’d be in the company of our elders. It’s a different thing. When with them, everything’s secure. Not a thing is out of place. And you know that whatever happens, there would something, someone to keep you secure.
Perhaps, it because I’ve been feeling loose these past months. It felt like I’ve been wobbling my way from a day to the next. I don’t even know if I’m doing any good. Is this the time when one’s youthful idealism of being able to live ever independently starts to wane? Fate finally unveils reality.
You’ll never have enough, never be enough; just so you keep on striving to do better, to have more. And then more and some more and still, more. You are happy for a second; so you’d have something to compare the miserable rest of your life with. Thing is, when you’re near the breaking, Fate reminds you how that few happy seconds feel. And then you’re back to the hoping, striving, nearly breaking cycle.
You endure to feel worthy and come good things, you find yourself undeserving. You distance yourself from the people you hated and shrank from, and felt worse when there’s no one to hate at all. You complain with disdain yet there you stay overworked, your assertion lame. You opted to leave to live far and stay farther and then yet you hope for home.
All these I gathered from a rather sleepless night. I have time for sleep yet sleep seemed busy somewhere else. Sometime tomorrow, time I won’t have and sleep will come with a taunt.
You will have what you want – when you want it no more. You will have the things just when you realize you don’t need them at all. You will call home a home when it’s not your home anymore. You will reach what you strived so long for and find that it’s not what you longed for. You will find yourself lost until you reach a destination you were unaware of before.
All that control you detested, you will learn to long for. All faces you believed caused you pain, you’ve inflicted pain on. All the demands of the childish you, bring shame and guilt round anew. The voices once feared, the words you could not bear, now becomes yours. And so you learn that to do is requisite to understand. This you learned only now, only because you’ve stopped playing victim.
You’re not the axis, nor are you the core. What happens and what doesn’t isn’t the fault of yours. You are entitled to succeed as you’re allowed to fail; to wrong and be wronged; to be corrected and to correct. You decide in a context, of which not everything you have control of. What matters is that you did what you could and what you thought was right. Not everyone will agree with that. From them you unlearn and learn once more.
A call. All these from a few minutes’ call. Those moments I’m not so proud of, suddenly I can easily recall. There’s nothing like concern and sincerity to cause you to think deeply. How they managed to keep no resentment – and still await your return – is beyond me.
That perhaps, is the lesson, best kept last for me.