the calm

Such a waste.

Still, I find myself spending more time staring at this lit screen than facing people. Hitting the refresh button every other minute, I’m updated of the breaking news, most recent rants, and such a wide range of outputs for narcissistic tendencies (I’m also guilty of some).

I tell myself I’m wasting my time. I could have read a book or spent the time thinking about something more worthwhile. It seems that for the past months, the capacity to be sensible has dulled.

I have a lot of things to deal with yet I wallow in these thoughts of me, me, and me. I’ve never doubted the human capacity to be selfish and self centered. I’m sick of mine. Now, what to do?

This post barely makes sense. Perhaps, it makes no sense at all. At least I’ll have an example on what not to do next time I conduct writing exercises 😀

Sometimes we need a pause. Everything happens too fast. We find ourselves constantly in a race with time and deadlines that somewhere along the way we forget what we’re doing these for. Why am I doing this again? A hopeless look heavenwards. Why do I even ask? I should know the answer. But I don’t. So where am I? What have I done? What have I been doing? Am I on course? Who would know? Where the hell was I supposed to be going?

What’s become familiar is that feeling of disorientation, the race to cross out tasks, the question mark hovering whenever you’re supposed to have some think time, weariness, guilt, doubt,… and that feeling that something’s keeping you from doing the things you want to do.

“I should be… but I’m not” and  “I want to… but I can’t” Two of the most common themes in these thoughts. Some people can afford a shrink. Most people can only rant and write – and indulge. It’s more cost-effective, relatively.

I’ve got a few more hours before I go back to the normal pace. The only consolation one can have is in knowing I’m still on the move. I’ll take a pause every now and then. And then move some more.


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