In between the waiting, I manage to deal with work. It’s not how it’s supposed to be. It’s just the way it is.
I’ll stare into something when I remember how doomed I am for the remaining of the year. Sometimes you really have to wallow in all that negativity. How else can one write something more meaningful than being in a major low situation. From what I can gather from this entry, I’m not yet in that major low state. I’ll get there in a few days. I’m getting there. Or perhaps I’ll slip directly into the not-so-sane side. It would be quite a relief not to care about the bills anymore – assuming I have someone else to care for mine if I am unable to do that anymore. A moment to think of possibilities and I figure, I’ll just have to stay sane. It’s the simpler dilemma – relatively.
I’m not even sure I prepared the coffee for today. I really can’t remember. This is beyond my usual level of forgetfulness. There are those sudden urges to let the tears free. It is during these moments that I get appreciate that capacity keep silent and composed (Really now?). And I’m not even talking about a heartbreak. This is just me reacting to my stupidity in spilling water in may laptop which eventually led to the laptop being rendered useless and me getting a new unit and me (yep, still about me – such a selfish blog, I know) being buried in loan – and the first quarter hasn’t even ended yet!
This reminds me why I love writing. I! can! use! all! the! exclamation! points! I! want! And still the only sound one can hear would be me furiously tapping. I can SCREEEEAAAAAAAAM ALL I WAAAAANTT!!!!! Coupled with a few Y*%^((*^*&% $%^$$^^% #$%#%$^%&^&^ *&^%$$^%%^%@6988 sOI(*^*(^89q28 – (few?!) and I’ll feel better. All these without disturbing anyone.
I checked the dictionary in an effort to find the most appropriate adjective I could attach to my name and was surprised to find a lot of synonyms for stupid. How am I to decide which word fitted me best during that instant? After the exclamation points, the text set in all caps, and the $^#%t, I can see that I can make better use of my time – other than the search for the most appropriate adjective.
There are good things that came with this situation. I’d definitely learn a lot. There’s a lot of things to be thankful for – people to express gratitude to and that sense of wonder at how things come to place effortlessly.