still trying

It matters not who forgave more or who caused greater pain. It matters not who has been more selfish or who was more careless. All that matters if how great one feels in each day lived – how light, how untroubled, how fulfilling.

I attended my first of hopefully many Sunday masses – as promised. I just thought I should make it a point to allot two hours of my time to express my gratitude. It’s the least that I can do. I made it a point to give thanks. Most of the time, we’re to engrossed in asking Him favors taking lightly the things He’d given.

My aunts an the sisters would laugh at this entry. I am far from being a religious person. The mass I attended earlier was the first for the year. It’s been a long time.

As expected, I sat and listened reacting to the sermon. Active listening, I believe it’s called. Too many generalizations. Too many topics. Near extreme views. I figured, not much has change with sermons. The age definitely is a factor – and to discuss something one hasn’t experienced firsthand, it kills credibility. There was definitely cliche statements and there was rapport between most of the listeners and the speaker.

This is basically what I did in between expressing my thanks. Two hours of reflection and thanks. That time’s enough to get one thinking and hopefully get some lesson to ponder on the way home. The lesson I got war far from the topic discussed. I caught the idea as people lined up for their communion.

It matters not who forgave more or who caused greater pain. It matters not who has been more selfish or who was more careless. All that matters if how great one feels in each day lived – how light, how untroubled, how fulfilling.

Most of the time, we get caught up in our idea of fairness. Extreme, to a point of distortion. The past days – make that months – I have spent in negativity. Issues on the value we place on people and their value of us. Their presence in time of need and our presence it theirs’.

I help you and you help me – that seemed to be the fair thing. You didn’t offer help when I was in trouble so I won’t offer help if you get in trouble. Will that be fair? Or simply childish? Everything becomes centered on keeping tabs on who helped who so you’d just limit to these people any form of assistance you’ll be extending.

At some point, it gets rather tiring – keeping a record and remembering everyone who failed to extend help when you were in a rut. It’d be easier to just extend one’s assistance to whoever may need it. But that’d be unfair, mumbled a part of you.

It’s a choice. To help for the sake of helping. To be there because one wants to. With fulfillment as reward. Never expecting. Never counting.

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