a waste of time

A whole afternoon cooped up.

It was a very enlightening afternoon. Yet, I cannot help but think about the things I could have been doing as I was learning more about this subject I’ll be working on in the next months. I had promised to return a draft later this evening. I’m starting to doubt I can keep that one.

I would have gotten my laptop did the editing as I listened. I would be more productive. That would, however, look impolite to the people who have also devoted their time to focus on the subject at hand.

In between processing the information, making inquiries, I found a few minutes thinking about what better titles the drafts can have, what information could be included in the writeup, or how the laid out pages would look like – as I stared at the few pages of handouts and readings I held.

A few years in the work has somehow provided the training to listen to the main discussion while we listen to the questions/concerns raised on the side, providing responses – answers or agreements to the side questions – as we formulate  questions to be settle later – all these while reading documents, taking note of points for clarification and suggestions for improvement. Somewhere during this course of time, come thoughts on what one could have been doing as one sat and listened. One computes on current finances, worry about the next pay, checks and replies to received text messages.

And all that time, one remains convinced s/he’s wasting time.


an attempt at feeling productive

I didn’t really finish any task today. Well, except paying the water bill. Talk about feeling unproductive. I did work today. I just wasn’t able to complete the tasks. That means no crossed out entry in the to-do list.

I went home feeling miserable and then, I noticed that it wasn’t raining. I could jog tonight. At least that would be doing something.

I hurriedly changed and prayed that rain would come later – much, much later tonight. I needed to get used to this pair of running shoes. Making sure I set the pedometer properly this time, I started the walk to the field.

I curse myself for not wearing the leggings tonight. It was freezing cold. The occasional winds brought shivers to this jacket clad – and fat reserve encased – body. Although, the evening cool was a good motivation to keep moving. One just needed to be careful on slippery parts of the track. It isn’t the friendliest route for the shoes but it’s the most well-lit slash secure course.

I’m happy I’m getting better pace. Although, I was two rounds short. I’ll do better next time.

one down

An entry removed from the work backlog list!

Such a great relief. There’s still the document printing and the binding – but that can be easily taken cared of. This task has been a weight since September of last year. We were not responsible for the delay.  Dealt with files for the report appendices. I’m just glad to finally take it of the list.

I’m taking a few minutes to relish this moment 😀

i never learn

Well that certainly wasn’t the best way to start the week.

I missed the flag ceremony. My first in the past five years that I’ve worked here. Three alarm settings and an early evening wasn’t enough to get me out of bed in time. I’d like to blame the bed weather we’ve been having since the weekend. I kept hoping it would rain as I pressed snooze. That’s never a good sign that one would be on time for anything. Still, found myself crawling back under the covers.

The rain I’ve been hoping for came later that morning. I look forward to the day I’ll manage to overcome the laziness to bring an umbrella. I needed to make a dash under the now steady drizzle – twice this morning. It wasn’t raining when I left the building although, I should have known better than go out without an umbrella or even jacket.

I did bring an umbrella to the office. I just forgot to bring it with me as I dealt with some work in another building and when I went to get lunch. Two separate free showers in half a day only hours in between.

Too slow. Too lazy. Too stubborn. There’s always an excuse not to bring the umbrella. Or maybe, there’s something I find delightful in being under the rain – so long as the laptop remains protected.

3 am chat [happiness]

Work up at three in the morning. No alarm. No noise from the neighbor. I just woke up as if it’s routine. It’s definitely not.

I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to work. All I did from some time is stare numbly as the wall. I wrote about peaceful evenings. This time, I could zoom in to “moments”. There’s no wailing from the neighbors’ infants. We have two newborns in the neighborhood, none I know personally. There’s no stray dog making a mess out of our compound trash. It was too early for a surround sound movie viewing from the other neighbor. There was silence. I was up before the sun. The mind was clear of worries because it was nearly not functioning. I liked that state.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t last long. Before you can control it, you start thinking of   life matters. The more general things you never really get to think about because you’re to engrossed cramming for the day’s deliverables or the next deadline.

It a time for reflection. A feedback session with the self. It’s never really a good feeling. I have no way of knowing which decisions were the right ones or where I may have done wrong. It’s not an exam with answers that are quantified and comparable through time.

“Are you happy? more happy?” I asked. “Well, I’m not miserable,” came an answer. And yes, in case you were wondering, I’m having a conversation with me.

Does being not miserable make you happy then?

No. Of course not. I never claimed to be “happy”. What does that mean anyway? Happiness?

I dunno. Do you feel better about things? Or maybe some specific aspects – work, finances, relationships, …? Do you have more things to be grateful for?

I think so. If not, whatever have I been doing all these time since you last asked about “happiness”? I have more things to be grateful for.

What about regrets? Do you have more regrets now?

Not much has changed. It’s not about having more or less of it. I just thought I should make better use of time than to wallow in regrets. What’s done is done. Thinking about what-could-have-beens will not change anything.

 Are you happy?

You have asked that earlier. Don’t you have other questions.

Yes. Yes I have asked it earlier – and perhaps a thousand more times before earlier. But I haven’t had any sound answer. It’s a simple yes or no question. Are you happy?

You’re right. It’s so simple. It’s that simple that I wonder if it’s even possible to simplify everything about one’s life in a two- or three-letter word response. I say “yes” and I’d be covering up all those times I’d would rather not think about. I say “no” and I’d be unappreciative of everything I’ve been blessed with. Happiness is vague. It’s fleeting. The levels varies for every moment. The reasons change. I can think of happy moments and for a few seconds I’d be happy. But once the memory clip has run and I’m back to the now, I cannot help but realize how different this now is from that happy clip. The feelings are anything but happy.

What then would make you happy?

… <Pause> I really don’t know. I’m not sure. I do not know.

Then what is it you want the most?

Will getting what I want ensure my happiness?

Hmmn… It will at least contribute to it.

But is it not that whatever contributes to your happiness can also contribute to pain or sadness or whatever is at the other end of the same spectrum?

You argue like this at three in the morning?!

That’s exactly the reason. You dare ask me this type of questions at this ungodly hour?! – and expect sound responses. This brain’s barely processing. But you’re evading the question.

Can’t we just agree to stop at this point?

Hah! So you have no answer? Just admit so.

Whatever you may be thinking, even I’m scared of me. Here I was looking forward to a laid back and relaxing morning.