5

It’s been that long.

I still wonder if that’s a good thing (- or me having to wonder if that’s a good thing a good thing). It wasn’t that easy. It wasn’t hell. It was challenging enough not to get bored but convenient enough. There are moments of reconsideration, of doubt, of honor, and of security. There’s definitely been a lot of complaints and outbursts. Perhaps, that’s why it’s called love-hate. After all, I’m still here.

There are moments of self-pity and comparison, of things being unfair, and self-exhaustion. There are (few) times when it all feels so right – and then it’s back to the former.

There are days that are forced – stuck with things I do because I have to. Still, I remain because it’s one of my sources of security; I get to wear my denims and rubber shoes;  I’m still given rare moments of wonder/disbelief; I’m forced to interact with enough people; and I’m still learning.

Though idealism has faded, I still believe it what it stands for.

Things will change and time will drain this idealism. Before it hits empty, I’ll make sure I have something new to believe in.

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