simple

This one, I’ve given several attempts to make sense of. Nothing sticks. In every journal I have kept, there’s always that “What I want” page.

The page usually stays blank for quite a while. When I do start writing entries, I end up coming up with a list of material things. A new gadget or electronic device,  clothes, kitchen accessories, and so on. It wasn’t really what I had in mind. Plus, it’s never a good feeling to realize how materialistic you can be.

So then I start writing long-term goals of earning a PhD, getting published, earning that permanent employee classification, … and the list goes on.

What do you want? Someone asked once over a meal. The answer’s supposed to be simple but when I tried explaining it to the person, it took several minutes. I stopped and laughed mid sentence. “Yeah, this is really supposed to be simple,” came a disclaimer. I received a blank stare. Processing. Unconvinced expression. I couldn’t make myself believe that what I was discussing was simple. How was I to convince the person that it was.

One believes one has a clear idea of what one wants. An attempt at explaining how simple it is make one rethink one’s concept of simple – what one really wanted.

At least one thing was confirmed – what I wanted was far from simple. That, or I just suck at explaining it.

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All the green outside the window is not enough to rest this set of eyes from a work day’s worth of cells staring. When the eldest sister arrived with an invitation for dinner, it was time to give the screen – and the neck – some rest.

Now I can enjoy watching automobiles pass by and envy joggers who managed to made better use of this day. Guilt. I hope the weather’s better this week. I hope I manage to drag myself back to the field – even just for a walk.

I never really got to finish any of the day’s tasks. Typical day.

1h

Managed to stay in the stationary bike for an hour – without using the seat. That’s what guilt could do to you.

With the rain pouring outside, there’s no chance for a jog. That’s been a convenient excuse for the past week. Too convenient that I can sense the unburned layers. Plus, it’s getting more difficult to deal with stairs and walking. And I’ve been too fond of fast food this week (and the previous weeks.)

The thing with rain, it encourages inactivity -more screen staring and sleep. And it makes food more appealing and the going out to get food less appealing. So you get food delivered to you. Laziness. Pure laziness.

The one hour session won’t be enough to burn what I have consumed for the weekend. Still, I’m glad I got rid of some. It’s the first time I managed to use that chunk of metal at the foot of the bed that’s been collecting dust for the past month.

210B

The first time I spent the whole work day at the new room. It’s peaceful. I get to observe a lot of people from the window 😀

The scent of coffee brewing concluded the transfer of work room. It’s only this late in the afternoon that I get to enjoy the room. I was still hammering concrete nails on the wall this morning.

With the transfer completed, there’s a lot of documents I need to deal with. The two-day transfer took up a lot of work time. There’s the motivation to do better. With less distractions, I should be focusing on the completion of tasks. Should. Hah!

It’s physically draining, the clear-transfer-organize-reorganize routine. It’s disorienting. I can deal with the aching muscles from the pushing and lifting. Thank goodness I had a lot of help. It’s the helplessness that stresses me the most. It’s the disorientation due to an unfamiliar space layout. I still have to locate a lot of things. I know, I’ll find them eventually. Hopefully soon.

It’s going to take time getting used to this quiet.

the move

Spent most of the day (and last week’s salary) in transferring to the new office space.

Soap, bleach, and a sponge at hand, I cleaned the area before moving in. Finding the most space maximizing layout was a challenge. It was dark when I packed up. I even locked the keys in the room. Got the old set of keys. Thing is, I even prepared duplicates for the new room keys. I just happened to leave the copies with the original key – inside the now locked room. Had to call our building administrator, who has already gone home, to ask for help. Good thing he was kind enough to return to the office 😀

I was late for the mother’s dinner. It’s her last night in town. Tomorrow, she’ll fly back to Australia. I thought I could spend some time with her.

It was stressful and tiring, but it was a productive day. Looking forward to coming to work tomorrow 🙂

There’s a sense of uneasiness. That feeling that you can’t quite make sense of. It’s like missing something and you don’t even know what that something is. You become more conscious of time slipping and doubt becomes a regular company. Unsure. Unclear. Unsettled.

You go on with the routine. But, between tasks are moments when you struggle to remember what it is that’s so unsettling. These moments become more draining than dealing with the tasks themselves.

The day end and you take that walk home still attempting to remember, to make sense. To put a label to this nagging uncertainty. You think about how it would be helpful if discuss this with someone. But then, how can you talk about something you, yourself can’t clearly expresse. You find yourself in front of your door. Another of those deep breaths. Resignation.

Once more, my memory fails me.