Evenings have become restless. There’s that growing worry (or was it fear?). I’m not getting much sleep. I’m losing hair. I still haven’t completed the proposal.
That, I found weird since it’s basically all I think about – I’ve been thinking about in the past months.
I couldn’t sleep. Darn Rogers’ elements of diffusion. The words, the concepts, the variable hovered giving me no peace. “As long as it’s unwritten, it doesn’t exist.” I know.
I’ve been having conversations (more like debates, nagging about the deadlines) with myself about this proposal. I thought I should try talking to the wall for a change. Problem is, that would requires me to be actually talking. (Uh, that’s the idea?) Not that good with spoken conversations. (Besides, my neighbors would think I’ve gone mad. Nearly there.) I’m better at writing things. So I wrote. To put some organization to the scattered ideas. And, to get some peace.
I found an old stack of index cards and rummaged through the drawers for a permanent markers and a masking tape. I could play pretend, I thought. I’m the facilitator and I’m my respondent. This time, all those ideas will be expressed in words – written words.
I’ve been staring at the bare wall too long. I didn’t know where to start or where to post the first index card. Just get it over with! It’s not supposed to be perfect – your handwriting or the placement of cards. Just post something – anything!
Thankfully, fumes from the permanent marker filled the room after some time. More cards posted. More concepts laid to rest. There’s never a easy way of organizing all the concepts I was supposed to integrate. Just post it. Rearrange cards. More masking tape. I should have wiped the dust of this wall first. Just use more masking tape.
In the end, how come I did this only now?! I should have done this earlier. It could have saved me from worry and stress (-and stress eating -and depression so I’m not jogging.)
When I sleep tonight, all those thesis thoughts will be in peace, as will I.