This one, I’ve given several attempts to make sense of. Nothing sticks. In every journal I have kept, there’s always that “What I want” page.

The page usually stays blank for quite a while. When I do start writing entries, I end up coming up with a list of material things. A new gadget or electronic device,  clothes, kitchen accessories, and so on. It wasn’t really what I had in mind. Plus, it’s never a good feeling to realize how materialistic you can be.

So then I start writing long-term goals of earning a PhD, getting published, earning that permanent employee classification, … and the list goes on.

What do you want? Someone asked once over a meal. The answer’s supposed to be simple but when I tried explaining it to the person, it took several minutes. I stopped and laughed mid sentence. “Yeah, this is really supposed to be simple,” came a disclaimer. I received a blank stare. Processing. Unconvinced expression. I couldn’t make myself believe that what I was discussing was simple. How was I to convince the person that it was.

One believes one has a clear idea of what one wants. An attempt at explaining how simple it is make one rethink one’s concept of simple – what one really wanted.

At least one thing was confirmed – what I wanted was far from simple. That, or I just suck at explaining it.


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