Last month’s gloom seemed to linger.
There’s that tendency to wallow in negativities. It’s easier. I did try some feel-good activities. Attempts. Nothing lasted the day.
I should be home right now. I should have gone on a leave of absence so I could spend that time with the family. It’s been a long time since I took that 12-hour bus ride.
This morning, the aunt asked if I would be coming for the fiesta. I choked and managed something like a “no“. Then proceeded to provide excuses why I can’t. In the reflection, I saw someone uttering pure nonsense in the phone.
Been spending a lot of time thinking about what I want. This is not it.
Limped my way home after an attempt of completing the rounds. (I was one round short.) Decided that it would be better to drag the left leg and not pollute the air in the commute back to the apartment.
Hopefully, it would take care of the soda I have consumed in the past week. (Good luck with that.) And hopefully, I’d be drained enough to sleep at least six hours straight. In the past evenings, I’d be lucky to sleep for three hours. Even the cricket (or whichever member of the insect world) sound’s enough to wake me up after about two hours of sleep. It’d be hard to get back to sleep.
This explains the new pile of books. A novel for each night (or very early morning) that I find myself awake. I actually wait for the alarm to sound so I can officially declare it the start of the day.
By day’s end, I would have emptied day’s batch of coffee. That’s about eight cups. And I go home still sleepy dreading waking up at odd hours.
The eldest sister calls this aging.
With any change comes disruption in the routine. That’s never really a good thing. Or easy to deal with. One walks around with that nagging feeling of having forgotten something, of lacking something, and/or the anxiety of doing something new.
One’s faced with two options – revert to what was or deal with the change. Once the decision is made, the only way is forward. There’s no use staying in a limbo wasting time. This is the time to be firm. Quite difficult to apply. Darn hard to do.
In the end, one finds oneself with the comforting mantra “You’ll get used to it”. Until then, suffer.
Once one has unconsciously dropped this mantra, then one has developed a new normal.
The weather’s getting to me. All these rain and the cold, it’s the best weather to let all the negativity in. And keep them in.
The way one lives is based on a list perceived as facts. These facts are one’s beliefs that has been strengthened through confirmation over time. It is when these facts become challenged that uproot one from his/her what one thought was one’s reality.
In doubt, one wallows uncertain and lost. One could have been wrong about (almost) everything. That’s relatively easier to deal with.
It’s when one questions how wrong one was, up to where, and when did one get it wrong? Or simply, what did I get right?
Worse, did I get anything right?
The past two days felt like a week.
The moment we finished everything was the only time I got to enjoy not being in Los Baños. Patiently counted the hauler trucks passing by until the group was complete and then we can start for home. Relieved. Sleepy.
I can feel what seems to be the start of a flu. Crazy weather. Full blast car air-conditioning. Head pounding. Daydreaming of that long sleep. Three long days before the weekend. Make that four. This Saturday needs an early start.