what I lost

From where the clouds ended came this rosy layer of light turning darker as the seconds passed. It was part of a sunset left unnoticed. We usually look at where the sun is and watch it disappear from the mountain edges or the sea. This view offered from the plane’s window was a first for me.

It seemed such a waste to let the moment pass undocumented so I struggled to get the camera from the backpack I’ve deposited at my feet. In haste I tried to get the camera which seemed to be entangled with most of the contents of my backpack. And in the middle of the struggle with the wires and the slings, I had a moment. Why do I have to have to take photo?

So I let go of the camera and returned the backpack and just look outside the window. It was beautiful. It was calm, serene, and it was changing every second. There’s that itch to get the camera again and take a video instead. And then I decided not to. Every second I spent wanting to record or document was time wasted in enjoying this moment.

I wanted to keep the view to myself. Use all that time to just see and allow wonder to sink into me. It was something I’ve lost. The time to realize I am here and I am in awe of something. I just wanted to sense it. Experience it firsthand. Not trough the camera. But through my own senses.

When I go back through photographs, I’m thankful for capturing moments. But those moments lack the sound, smell, that sense of me of me experiencing the now for that moment captured. It’s something I’ve lost for the that need to capture and the moment in a few stills and moving seconds. SO when I close my eyes to relive moments as such, I  hear the clicking sound and I remember the worry of having been unable to capture the moment in good quality. I don’t… I can’t seem to remember how the moment itself. How the wind felt, how I felt, how much a wonder it was for me, how excited I was.

And when I go home to the friends and the family, I tell them a story about how I managed to take the photo or the video – not really about how I experienced the moment – the excitement, marvel, and awe of the then now.

I want to get it back. ANd it seems like I have to let go of the want to capture and record everything so I could have my now back.

of stupidity and stupidity

I kept waiting for the alarm to sound. It was quite a long wait so I slipped back to sleep. It was alte when I got up.

Looked at the phone. It was on silent mode. Great.

Rushed through the morning routine and managed to get to the office a little after 8 am. Here I was hoping I could maintain the getting to the office on or before 8 am. That ensures that I get to be somewhat productive for the day.

For reasons of stupidity and stupidity, I am to meet this one class for the first time. And here I am fretting with the alarm clock setting, the handouts for the day, exercise sheets, among other stuff. What else could possible happen to make me miss this meeting?!

The first week of classes, I got the schedule wrong. My teaching load indicated a Tuesday instead of a Thursday. So I spent about 30 minutes waiting for the class to arrive that first Tuesday. It never occurred to me that I could have easily checked the schedule of the class conveniently indicated on top of the class list that I’ve been staring at for a quite some time as I waited. The second week, I forgot that the records in our college database is still to be updated hence, there are still no updated classlists since the university registration is still ongoing. There I was, about eight regions away, preparing the exercise for that week with no email addresses to send it to. This seems to becoming a pattern. Not one I’d like to keep.

So today, I cannot mess this up.

7 am class

It’s always a challenge to conduct classes without the first cup of caffeine in the morning.

Had a 7 am class. I made sure I’d finish the day’s  lecture last night. What I forgot was to get the equipment I needed to project the slide presentation. I did manage to go on with the lecture without the presentation. It was one productive session.

For the rest of the day, I worked in zombie mode, coffee and all. It seemed like the day’s supply of energy was used up during the morning class. Thank goodness I have no class in the afternoon. A couple of student consultations were manageable. I kept getting coffee refills. It didn’t really work.

After the afternoon going away party for our colleague, I waited for 5 pm to arrive. I was so looking forward to getting some sleep.I didn’t even bother to get dinner. Well, at least until the stomach woke me up at about 9 pm. Fixed a tuna cheese sandwich and worked on a post – and it’s sleep once more.

I promised the self that I’d stick to holding 7 am classes for this semester. Never easy but we’ll work something out. It leaves one drained for the rest of the day but there’s that sense of being productive. I’ll take that over comfort and convenience. And, I’m not exactly enduring anything. There’s some comfort in realizing that the students are also exerting effort to keep awake in class.

Must remember to come to the office earlier to prepare the morning brew for 18.

Managed a jog last night. Found some peace.

It was actually me avoiding having to start transcribing the interviews I conducted last week. I have free time in the evenings and that time could really be useful for the transcriptions. I would have started if I didn’t feel like taking a jog 😀

This week, I’m on an active search for distractions. I actually prefer going to meetings and reading blogs and catching up on office gossip – anything to keep me away from the office. Being alone in the room reminds you that you have a LOT to deal with and you haven’t really started. It’s not like you have the liberty of time.

I’ll run out of distractions. Hopefully soon.

work, it is

And we’re back to work.

Nothing like a series of meetings and a makeup class to remind you that the second semester has started. After a week of being out of the office, it’s still a bit awkward trying to get used to the semester’s schedule. At least, I’m spending less when I’m at work. That’s a great source of relief. I still haven’t found the courage to face the accounting of last week’s stay at Koronadal City.

For now, it’s work, work, work.

Spent the entire day at the mother’s.

Was in the place as early as 9 am (for a Sunday, 9 am is early) hoping to appease the mother for failing to show up yesterday. It seemed that the worry was for nothing. The mother was more concerned about the jeweler’s visit. Thank goodness. I’m relieved to be saved from the guilt trip the mother is really good at.

Had family lunch at the mother’s new house. The smell of wood and lacquer lulled me to a series of naps with pig out sessions in between. It was after all, the birthday celebration of the eldest and the third sisters 😀 They turned 36 and 29, respectively. I just had to mention it.

brunchner

I’d save a lot on food expenses if all Saturdays were like this one.

It was about 5 am when I arrived at the apartment, bags and all. It’s been quite an educational night. It was worth all the stress and cab fares and yeah, the struggle to stay awake.

Managed to do a little cleaning in the week-old abandoned space. It was dusty and I didn’t exactly leave the place tidy five days ago. And so I suffer from the consequences of my laziness.

The cleaning extended to the laundry and the self to wash off the smell of smoke from last night. I just wanted the day’s tasks to be completed so I can have the day for sleep.

I was supposed to go to the mother’s place after waking up at noon. Somehow, I fell right back to sleep as I planned the rest of the day’s tasks. It was 5 pm when I woke up. And there I was still feeling sleep.

Peeled the self off the bed so I could get the week’s groceries. There’s something awkward with getting back to the usual routine. There’s that nagging feeling that something’s amiss. Dropped off  two week’s laundry at the shop. Still sleepy, I dealt with the groceries. At least I’ve got two tasks off the day’s list.

Was horrified to realize I wasn’t able to pay the mother a visit. Hopefully, an apology would be enough. Then again, the grandson, my nephew would have kept her busy the entire day. Hopefully, she did not notice my absence.

Bought my breakfast/lunch/dinner on the way home. Usually, I’d the stomach would wake me up from hunger during attempts at long sleep. Today, I guess even the stomach grumbling wasn’t enough to wake me up