what I lost

From where the clouds ended came this rosy layer of light turning darker as the seconds passed. It was part of a sunset left unnoticed. We usually look at where the sun is and watch it disappear from the mountain edges or the sea. This view offered from the plane’s window was a first for me.

It seemed such a waste to let the moment pass undocumented so I struggled to get the camera from the backpack I’ve deposited at my feet. In haste I tried to get the camera which seemed to be entangled with most of the contents of my backpack. And in the middle of the struggle with the wires and the slings, I had a moment. Why do I have to have to take photo?

So I let go of the camera and returned the backpack and just look outside the window. It was beautiful. It was calm, serene, and it was changing every second. There’s that itch to get the camera again and take a video instead. And then I decided not to. Every second I spent wanting to record or document was time wasted in enjoying this moment.

I wanted to keep the view to myself. Use all that time to just see and allow wonder to sink into me. It was something I’ve lost. The time to realize I am here and I am in awe of something. I just wanted to sense it. Experience it firsthand. Not trough the camera. But through my own senses.

When I go back through photographs, I’m thankful for capturing moments. But those moments lack the sound, smell, that sense of me of me experiencing the now for that moment captured. It’s something I’ve lost for the that need to capture and the moment in a few stills and moving seconds. SO when I close my eyes to relive moments as such, I  hear the clicking sound and I remember the worry of having been unable to capture the moment in good quality. I don’t… I can’t seem to remember how the moment itself. How the wind felt, how I felt, how much a wonder it was for me, how excited I was.

And when I go home to the friends and the family, I tell them a story about how I managed to take the photo or the video – not really about how I experienced the moment – the excitement, marvel, and awe of the then now.

I want to get it back. ANd it seems like I have to let go of the want to capture and record everything so I could have my now back.

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