This, I did not expect.
That sense of uneasiness one gets from having things too quiet or too relaxed or from having too much free time.
Last April, I managed to complete my manuscript – nothing fancy or intellectual but enough to make me get that masters degree. April until July passed by so fast I couldn’t remember much of what happened. I just knew they were more eventful than the normal.
Came August and things are staring to normalize. And this is when I have to face this uneasiness that’s been hovering over like a clump of dark clouds. You’d notice how dark and heavy they’re becoming yet the rain never drops. It’s like it’s waiting for the worst moment to rain on one’s day. I have more time to worry about it.
I like the idea that I have more free time and that I’m being paid more. It’s just not what I’m used to. My greatest fear is that I’d adjust to this seemingly great setup only to realize it’s just on passing. It’s just too good to be true. So I find myself growing anxious waiting for that moment when I be saying Oh, here comes the work. I knew it was too good to last. Until I get to that moment, the anxiety grows. There’s the fear that I may have lost my momentum at work and the capacity to deal with a lot of things.
Overthinking things, I cannot help that.
I may have gotten used to the disappointment of the thesis backlog among other things that I find it odd when I have managed to complete it. In April and May, I celebrated and rewarded myself for completing the thing. Don’t get me wrong, I never want to return in that situation.
Have I gotten lax or lazy? Am I just so used with disappointment that I’m having trouble now that I have way less of it? Do I really deserve all these?
I’m having difficulty in accepting and adjusting to this. But I want to. I believe that enjoying this time is something I deserve. There’s just something a bit off. It’s like worrying that I’m enjoying this too much. Although, I see no problem in that. What I know I deserve differs from I feel I deserve and not knowing the difference is what’s bothering me. I know I worked hard for everything but somehow I feel that I got more than what I deserve – although I couldn’t identify what I feel I deserved to have given what I’ve worked for.
A part of me dismisses these as my means of coping. I’m so used to anxiety that I end up worrying over such petty things. It’s easier to worry about something else rather than not to worry at all.