I’ve tried several times to utter those words with a bit more enthusiasm every time but I ended up sounding flat and sarcastic – way off the opposite end of enthusiastic.
The start of the year offers a chance to start fresh, set new goals, and it’s a good time to reevaluate oneself for 2016. I should be thrilled and excited for the next days but I’m not. I’m not dreading it either. I am interested in what 2017 will bring.
Is this what getting old does to you? You become more forgiving about 2016’s unmet goals and you expect less from the coming year. (Yeah, still working on that financial security thing, still looking for scholarships, and still struggling with reaching that 60kg ideal weight.)
You become more appreciative of the tiniest achievements. (Maintained the regular and on-time payment of my monthly insurance policy. That should count for something right? In 2015, I had a couple of late payments. Sure, the maintenance of my passbook and ATM accounts need a LOT of work but I ended and started the year with no personal loans.)
You stop worrying whether you’d do something worthwhile in the next year. You know you will. You have always accomplished something worthwhile. It’s hard not to, given the 365 days you get.
At some point, you stop downplaying what you have accomplished –using the humility card for your achievements– and then beating yourself up for what you have yet to accomplish, the goals you have yet to meet.
Everything seems subdued. It’s not like you don’t care or care less for these things. You still do and perhaps you care even more. It’s just that the past years have taught you that too much of worry or anxiety and excitement or delight does not reflect the value you’ve assigned to your goals or to the different aspects of your life. And all these extreme emotional ups and downs are wasted energy, thoughts, and/or focus.
You have learned that behind all the worry and the excitement are choices to be made and while you may grant yourself a few moments to briefly eperience those emotions, you are more aware of the choices, the decisions to be made as soon as you are able to so as to avoid prolonging whatever you may need to endure.
Dispassionate –I think that’s the closest word to what I was pertaining to.