How does one get back to an old habit?
It’s been a half a month now and the May calendar remains blank. While I have been keeping a journal offline,
I can’t seem to… I was just too lazy to sit down and update the blog. I question why I even bother to maintain one. I get phases like this every year; in some years, more frequent and in some, the doubt more intense.
It’s definitely not about readership or the hits or comments. While it may give some morale boost, that’s not it. If that was the reason for maintaining the blog, I would have stopped years ago 😀
I tell myself it’s about documenting my days so the future me can look back and remember what the past me was like. Then again, the present me is so disinterested with the present and deems it unworthy of documentation.
I could say it’s really about writing to keep on writing. It’s just a habit I developed so I’d have a warm up for the writing that I’d need to do at work. Seriously?! The writing I do at work does not require serious writing practice 😐 So why bother with this?
Perhaps it’s just a feel-good to-do for the day. Something I really don’t have to do but I do it anyway just because I want to? These past months, I haven’t wanted to write.
If I looked at the entries for 2017, I see less and less entries here. I’m filling more pages in my journal though. I guess, I was too focused on getting the thoughts out –and never really bothered polishing them for a blog entry. Who am I kidding?! I mostly write about what movies I was watching at the time and what Lazada or Zalora deliveries arrived. I write about being tired and then about being guilty – most because I’ve been spending a lot. I write about the same things week after week and even I am rolling my eyes at the pages I’ve filled.
If I were to separate myself from that who whines then feels guilty then buys stuff to have to face the same concerns the next day –then feels bad about thinking about such petty things when I could be dealing with work back log, I’d avoid that part of the self I guess? It’s too stressful. Guilt, relief, anticipation, fulfilment, disappointment – the emotional ups and downs leave me exhausted. I can sense exhaustion creeping in even as I write this.
What I did learn from writing this post is that I decided to write so I can have a conversation with myself –in a way that wouldn’t spook other people as much as finding me talking with myself. I cannot focus on having all these points of view arguing in my mind so I try to write them down to better keep tab of the points being raised for whatever the topic was at the time.
I do remember that I did start jotting down thoughts in a notebook because I had no one I could talk with. Pen and paper’s quiet, brings no drama, and requires no schedule. The blog lets me access all those conversations wherever I am whenever I want. It’s a more convenient log compared with bringing all the notebooks with me.
Thing is, if I do fail to have those conversations, I have only me to blame. And lately, I may have been avoiding having these conversations. I’ve just been too lazy. Still, I feel bad whenever I look at a calendar empty of posts.