workaholic

Originally posted at Rbvillar’s Friendster blog page dated January 16th, 2007

A whirlwind of activities pass and one survives through it with great relief.

A deep breath later and another to-do list materializes… on and on tasks appear after another lengthening the list. One scrambles to put an X mark on the last task but no matter how fast one works, that last task never seems to be accomplished for as you finish the next, two or more tasks are added, without you even noticing it.

One then strives harder, works faster, extra hours… and at last in the wee hours of the morn, you get to take your last yawn and finally, just finally, you can close those eyes and rest.

Or so you think. When the day’s work ends and you lay there body resting, the mind fails to rest and troubles one with thoughts that you strived so hard to keep out of your mind. But then again one think of what work the next day would bring hoping… just hoping… that maybe it would keep those thoughts away.

hoping one could fool oneself… just maybe for another day…
and another perhaps?

exhaustion

Fraud
hiding behind the mask of strength and will
is a mere mortal struggling
the pretense of power.
Unwilling to say no
guilt hovering if work ceases so
never can bear doing nothing
the mind just unwilling.
Behind all the nods and smiles
a slow death
why can they not see
the tired soul in me?
tired, I am
to rest I should but never can
thoughts of what I’d return to
i can never shun.

bad day

How come they keep getting worse? And more frequent?

Each time you declare a “bad day”, it’s worse than your last.
After surviving that day you feel better knowing you’re stronger
And you have the feeling that you can face anything.
Or so you think.

Because your next “bad day” is worse and it keeps getting worse.
Sometimes you wonder, whatever did I do to deserve this?
It’s as if everything and everyone ganged up to ruin your day
or worse, your week and perhaps [God unwilling] your hell month.

Who keeps tab anyway?
There’s too many.
This summer I’ve lost count.
Or perhaps, I was just too tired to do the arithmetic anymore.
Too busy? Nah, see, I can still squeeze in writing.

And then it hits you, when will I have my worst day?
When will I ever have that one last “bad day”?
Never can figure that one out.
If you have figured it out, I beg you
Do enlighten me.

telltale signs

People ask you how they’d know if  they’re into someone. This, I have been repeating ever since. So here goes:
1. You over analyze everything. The mere choices of ice cream flavors or preferred colors becomes a sign whether you two are compatible. How their ordering of your favorite drink becomes a sign that he/she is the one.

2. Video clips of moments with him/her starts playing nonstop in your mind – and you don’t have the STOP or PAUSE button in your remote control. What’s worse is that you don’t really want to stop going over those clips – plus you have that silly smile pasted on your face.

3. Still shots of him/her – you keep these (yep, plural!) in one of the folders of your personal and even office personal computer. You’ll definitely find a way so that you can stare at them or even just parts of them (cropped or close up shots of their hands, pet, etc.) will be easily accessed bu you.

4. You start taking note where he/ she position him/herself when you’re in a group – while walking, in class/ meeting, etc.

5. You find yourself using/ citing their statements unconsciously – this also includes hand gestures and facial expressions.

6. You not as enthusiastic whenever he/she is not around.

7. Their mere presence or even the sight of them is a sign that this day will be a good one.

8. You’ve developed the habit of checking if he/she is online. The “available” sign is enough to make your day. And then the wait for him/her to send you a message starts.

9. You review your replies to their messages twice – just to make sure you’re not that obvious.

10. You find ways of expressing your feelings – be it writing, drawing, humming, et cetera. He/she becomes your favorite subject. You may even want to start their page in Wikipedia. But you want to do these things anonymously.

So if you’re blushing right now or rather – convincing yourself that these statements are not true and are highly subjective, then you have definitely been “liking” someone.

Feel free to add to this list. I’d be more than happy to share what you’d be adding to this list.

the 20-peso bill

Last night, I found myself staring at the 20-peso bill I posted at my cork board. That bill was almost disintegrating. It barely survived the laundry process when I accidentally left it in my pants’ secret pocket.

I remember how delighted I was when I saw that bill. “A survivor” I thought and then I posted it. I then jokingly said to myself “When the time comes that I’ll be using this almost disintegrating 20-peso bill, it means that I have sunk in my lowest low – financially. Meaning, I’ll have zero as my maintaining balance in both my ATM accounts, and my wallet would literally be empty. And there I was thinking that it will never happen to me. I thought wrong.

As I am writing this piece, I can only see two one-peso coins and a 25-cent coin in my wallet together with my ID’s, TIN card, ATM cards [empty], and receipts. And to top all that, our next pay is due next week. What a laugh! [And this is no exaggeration.]

This was an entry I was supposed to post a month ago. Now I fear I’ll find myself in the same situation a few weeks from now. This time, it’s not because I overspent.

Technically speaking, I over saved. I may have allotted too much for savings. Let’s just say I made arrangements so that I won’t be able to spend the money. This way, I’d have forced savings. And then I realized I was not able to consider one tiny bit of detail – one important detail.

I survived through it before; I’ll get through this again. [But I do hope I’ll never go through this again!]

sketch

I have no claims on being good with charcoal. I see it as a tool for one of my therapies – sketching. Some prefer shopping as a form of escape. Mine, I think, is sketching and writing. I can survive a week without talking to anyone and remain sane given that I have a supply of pencil and paper.

A feedback I got from a friend was that she sensed something grim from my sketches. A certain negativity – depression, loneliness – she had difficulty expressing it.
She said that the subject of this particular sketch looked
abused, a victim of something perhaps?

I have never thought about how people would view my sketches, how it would make them feel. That feedback that friend gave, I really appreciated. It’s not everyday that someone stops and look at your output long enough to be able to comment on it. So thanks to Kti.:)

I did agree that my sketches are “sad-looking” maybe because of the medium used or perhaps they’re just simply sad-looking. Notice “sad-looking” as a term used instead of depressing. 🙂

thoughts in text

So whenever I find myself with nothing to write on in one of those “writing moments” – this refers to that few seconds when a thought, usually in the form of a line or two, is formed in my mind. Then I start looking for a piece of paper to write it in. When I am bereft of paper, I just patiently key in the thoughts in my mobile phone – “text” it.

“Text” in the Philippines has become a verb meaning to key in short messages in your mobile phone. [Even when mocked and even if it is relatively more costly, I try to be grammatically sound when composing my text messages. It keeps my written English from dulling. I could rant on and share horror stories of students submitting papers with “u” instead of “you”.]

Going back to the topic, here are some of those text messages kept in my drafts folder.

Noise is everywhere
yet I find myself alone in a bubble of silence
– story of my life.

T here is the constant need for one
to confirm one’s existence.
There is also the constant struggle
to prove one’s life as better.
The first I can tolerate,
as for the second – I see that as self imposed torture.