another journal

October 2, 2009 marks the completion of another journal. That, I think is my greatest achievement for this week. I’ve been trying to complete its pages last week – I just was not able to process things and get down to really writing it.

A day after my father’s birthday and I start another journal. I love watching blank pages which I know will be filled with depressing thoughts, complaints, observations – my thoughts. Both positive and negative; I tend to be more expressive on the negative thoughts. Who remembers to write when they’re happy anyway? (Although, I’m attempting to.)

The leathery scent of the red notebook cover doesn’t bother me as much as it did last December. The notebook was my Christmas gift to “me”. I needed more pages to remain sane. I figured I’d run out of pages before the year ends. So the red pocket notebook was a precautionary measure – just in case.

Add that to the fact that I’m currently obsessed with the “red” color. Blame that on the laptop shell case that I purchased because it was the only thing that fit my laptop.Then there was the red jacket, posters screaming red (good thing, red is the college color 🙂 ), red pens, red masking tapes, this notebook. There’s just something about red – for the moment at least.

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on cramming

A crammer – that I am.

I could not recall the last output I completed at leisure. I cram.

But this I do, not because I wasted time doing nothing, but because the tasks I need to complete require more than 24 hours in a day.

I cram not by choice. I long to experience taking my time in completing an output – be it an article, a report, a case. I want to finish something without feeling my head seeming wanting to explode. I want to edit everything I do at least twice bore submitting it instead of just feeling relieved and hitting “send” or “print” without another glance at my work. I want to want to look at my output after finishing – not be sick of even the mere mention of the requirement. I do not want less tasks. I want – need rather – more time. Or is it because I am not managing it well?

If so, how else can I make the most out of each minute? Not a second passes without planning of my next move. Even before completing a task, the to-do list is already packed. I want to finish all these things. I like being entrusted with tasks. That’s where I get my confirmation. It’s the frustration that I cannot meet my own expectations – the deadlines. I crave for that moment that I cross out a task from my list. I dread just being able to release of a sigh of relief and then proceed to the next task.

I do not know when to stop so I continue with the next task. I know I’m tired when five alarms, each with snooze functions, fail to get me out of bed to finish something. I know I am tired when I don’t want iced coffee. I’m that tired if I fall asleep midway removing my watch. I am tired when I do not know how I fell asleep and feel cheated by time when I wake up with a start – then the feeling of guilt creeps in – because I fell asleep.

I want rest. I deserve it. But why do I feel guilty when I actually do it?

that one lie

Throughout college, I never bothered being sociable or aesthetically pleasing, but focused on being a rather sensible and a responsible student. If there was one thing I cared about, it was projecting the image of a student of at least average intellect – anything but dumb. I do have my occasional stupid moments but not enough to be perceived as dumb.

What makes things worse, is when that person who lied is someone you regard highly. Now the pedestal you have built for the person lay in a rumble. Because of one petty lie. But then again, it’s not the lie itself. I would have appreciated a more thought of  lie – something better. Something that would challenge my intellect – something I’d perceive as true.

I, however, was deemed unworthy of such courtesy.

a matter of choice

People always have choices. This I found true. It’s not about which choice you selected but how you faced the consequences of such decision.

I had the chance to converse with an office mate who also happened to be my classmate in my graduate management class. I’ve always wondered how other  people at the office felt in not being assigned tasks or about work in general. Her answer reminded me that people always have choices. It may just be one of the things that make us human – the ability identify possibilities and to decide.

She opted not to be “bibo” at work. Bibo is a term used to refers to people who are proactive and enthusiastic (beyond the normal level) about their  work. She decided to be the average employee so she  can have enough time for her family. She knows how other people will react to her decision and she has accepted them for the moment. It got me thinking that I have decided to be concerned and to take part in activities because I want to feel like I matter.

People prioritize things. The thing that tops their list is where they get the greatest fulfillment. For my classmate, hey family tops her list. That is why she made her decision. I prioritize work. Perhaps because it’s where I get the confirmation Iseek. At the moment, it’s where I get fulfillment. It’s where I feel I matter the most. That is why work tops my list.

Recently, I have been asking myself why I do the things I don’t have to do. Why do I punish myself in meeting deadlines that some people can get away not meeting? Why do I edit papers after office  when I should be resting and enjoying my life – outside work? Why do I still want to  go to the office even if I’m met with tons of papers to edit and rate? Because I want to.

And since I have made that decision, I should be sticking with it. Easier said than done especially when I spent a lot of time thinking how sarcastic or unmotivated I currently am. What then keeps me going? It’s the thought that wherever I am or whatever I may be experiencing may not necessarily be the best – but it’s still better than other jobs I can think of. So I can say I am okay where I am – for the moment at least.

start

I came at the office early and I found myself overwhelmed by the things I need to do. This day is not any different from any from the past two years. Yet somehow, I feel lost. I do not know where to start. There’s definitely a lot of things I will be doing. I just need to start somewhere – somehow.

I just hope it’s as easy as pressing a button and then automatically getting to work. That would save me a lot of time. I spent two hours deciding what to do first before I realized I was wasting time. To overcome this state of indecision, I started writing hence this entry. It’s the only way I can clear my mind. Earlier I felt like being drowning in a quicksand of tasks.

After a paragraph, I’m breathing normally and thinking more clearly.

This is one of those days when it feels like I’ve lost my momentum at work. I need to build up the speed once more. My ideas and actions are not in sync. They need to be or I’ll just feel unproductive. I hate that feeling.

sarcasm

Some people view it negatively saying it’s disrespectful. For some, it’s one way of stating things directly.

I saw the word as a refuge. It explained the way I thought. I dawned on me – I’m not that weird after all. The fact that the word exists means it is being used to describe a significant number of people. I am more normal than I originally thought.

I can’t help it. It’s just how the words come out. Perhaps because it’s the way I think. Compared with what I say out loud, my thoughts are worse. What you hear from me is the lighter version of what I’m thinking – way more gentle.

Blame that on growing up with Garfield, pocketbooks/ novels, and the best source – adults. Growing up with a bunch of spinster public school teachers, three older sisters, and a single father; sarcasm becomes you.

on patience and perseverance

I am not a patient person.

I hate waiting. I have just spent a whole day attempting to install a pirated version of a software suite. That’s quite something – or maybe the need for this software is just that great.

I am not a patient person.

I hate waiting.  I have just spent a whole day attempting to install a pirated version of a software suite. That’s quite something – or maybe the need for this software is just that great.

I’ve never felt so fulfilled! Now I can revise the newsletter. For a sleep deprived brain, processing the simplest set of instructions seem to take a lifetime.

I never thought I could be that patient. I literally restarted the laptop for more than ten times today while I struggled advising some students on how to improve their articles (and grades).  Ah, multitasking – it’s one a must skill to develop here at work. I dream of the time when I can edit papers and sleep at the same time. That would definitely save me a lot of time.

It’s amazing how still the brain can function under stress. I do love the feeling of beating deadline to the last second – even exceeding them. It’s the anxiety that I cannot control. The temper flares and then the sudden glum.

This particular software installation really drove me to the edge. I sat there staring at the comments ready for encoding then shifting my gaze to a set of blue lines which seem to take a lifetime before reaching the other end of the computer window, becoming more and more conscious of each second that is wasted.

I just hope the installation is completed before the 7 pm.