letter

[Originally posted at the author’s Multiply blog page on March 26, 2008]

Nothing gives me more pleasure than you being held by me. You are my therapy. Nothing comforts me better than your presence. When I am with you, I find serenity. You never fail to accompany me during those few minutes that I’d allow myself to let my thoughts wander. You help me free my mind from thoughts that never seem to be at peace.

I cannot thank you enough for helping me realize how much I have grown and how much I have changed. You helped me prove than I can do better – that I can be better. If not for you, I won’t be me.

Whenever I find myself lost, I hold on to you and I am home.

You have always been there – a witness to all that I have been through. In all my writings, you are part of. I guess that’ll never change – I don’t want it too.

And for that my gratitude is yours to keep.

-Writer to the Pen

in the wait

[Originally posted at the author’s Multiply blog page on March 25, 2008]

I have spent the last four years of my life thinking about you – daydreaming – hoping that one day maybe I’ll get the chance to have that one conversation where I can have the closure I have longed for so long… or perhaps I can start believing that happiness does exist – for a change.

I may love you but do not have to have you if it means having you against your will. You being with me yet not wanting it.

Sometimes I find myself staring into nothingness seeing nothing but you.

What pains me is when I wake up from a dream… a thought shaken by the fact that you are not anywhere near me – and recognizing as a fact that you’ll never be.

I have learned to love being in pain. It’s better than feeling nothing at all.
Bleeding is better than feeling hollow – one of the lessons I’ve learned from loving you.

Waiting is such a painful process. Waiting for someone who you know would not come is agonizing – a fool’s task. I top the list of those fools.

All those years, you were the reason I got up every morning to live – every time I woke up I tell myself this might be the day I’ll bump into you or even catch even just a glimpse of you. And at the end of each day of failure, I make myself believe that maybe tomorrow will be the day I get to see you. I know I’m tired of believing in those tomorrows – but I seem to have forgotten how to stop believing. Or maybe I am simply afraid that in ceasing to hope I’d see you one of these days, I’ll never let myself wake up – for I have lost the very reason to.

Did you, even just for a second, stopped and thought of me? Just one frame of me in your mind? Remembered what I wore that night? Remembered me laugh, giggle, or talk in slow motion? Do you have any bit of memory about me?

Am I that part of your life that even when deleted, nothing – everything’s unchanged?

When you kissed me, was it for the kiss or was it for me?

I have written a thousand poems about loving you, yet nothing seemed to express everything I felt about you. I am starting to doubt nothing will ever be.

I wrote thousands of messages for you – none of them reaching you. It’s just me and cowardice. It’s me not having the nerve to say I love you.

Is this a game to you? Do you have that guide that tells you to contact me after six months? A year perhaps? Just every time I start believing I can get over you?

How come you can live without wanting to hear from me? And I, a slow death every day I don’t hear from you?

Where does one draw the line between loving and being pathetic?

When I have said I’m over you, why can’t I bring myself to take that as a fact?

I’m with him but I’m seeing you.

singleblessedness

Originally posted at the author’s Friendster blog page on January 17th, 2007.

SINGLE:

blessed or cursed?

unwanted or picky?

empowering or depressing?

to be pitied or envied?

bitter, not in a hurry, playing the field…

Simply single.

There are three ways that you can live your life: (1) to head the calling, (2) to be married and serve, and (3) live in singleblessedness.

That’s what our career facilitator back in high school had said. He asked us what life we would like to live and I knew, it was in a life of singleblessedness I will be living. At that time at least.

College years presented numerous tones for that two-syllable word. There’s tone of pity (for others and for oneself), unsurity (for those in an “exclusively dating stage” and other gray areas b/w being committed and not), bitterness, and pride. Pride being the most seldom tone used (why is that, I wonder…).

It amazes me how different people view being single. Some as a failure to be chosen, some pretending for singleblessedness to be a chosen state silently hoping that the next day their fate would change, some not caring (they don’t have the time to), most patiently waiting for the right one (then worrying that time would run out), and some simply by choice (less baggage/expense).

So what’s it gonna be then? What to answer on questions  why one remains single?

It’s just the way I am. Is there a need to answer questions as such? Answering would sound like one is justifying or defending being single.

But then, what’s your answer gonna be?

This coming February, all singles join hands in celebrating singles’ awareness month! 😉

workaholic

Originally posted at Rbvillar’s Friendster blog page dated January 16th, 2007

A whirlwind of activities pass and one survives through it with great relief.

A deep breath later and another to-do list materializes… on and on tasks appear after another lengthening the list. One scrambles to put an X mark on the last task but no matter how fast one works, that last task never seems to be accomplished for as you finish the next, two or more tasks are added, without you even noticing it.

One then strives harder, works faster, extra hours… and at last in the wee hours of the morn, you get to take your last yawn and finally, just finally, you can close those eyes and rest.

Or so you think. When the day’s work ends and you lay there body resting, the mind fails to rest and troubles one with thoughts that you strived so hard to keep out of your mind. But then again one think of what work the next day would bring hoping… just hoping… that maybe it would keep those thoughts away.

hoping one could fool oneself… just maybe for another day…
and another perhaps?

exhaustion

Fraud
hiding behind the mask of strength and will
is a mere mortal struggling
the pretense of power.
Unwilling to say no
guilt hovering if work ceases so
never can bear doing nothing
the mind just unwilling.
Behind all the nods and smiles
a slow death
why can they not see
the tired soul in me?
tired, I am
to rest I should but never can
thoughts of what I’d return to
i can never shun.

bad day

How come they keep getting worse? And more frequent?

Each time you declare a “bad day”, it’s worse than your last.
After surviving that day you feel better knowing you’re stronger
And you have the feeling that you can face anything.
Or so you think.

Because your next “bad day” is worse and it keeps getting worse.
Sometimes you wonder, whatever did I do to deserve this?
It’s as if everything and everyone ganged up to ruin your day
or worse, your week and perhaps [God unwilling] your hell month.

Who keeps tab anyway?
There’s too many.
This summer I’ve lost count.
Or perhaps, I was just too tired to do the arithmetic anymore.
Too busy? Nah, see, I can still squeeze in writing.

And then it hits you, when will I have my worst day?
When will I ever have that one last “bad day”?
Never can figure that one out.
If you have figured it out, I beg you
Do enlighten me.

telltale signs

People ask you how they’d know if  they’re into someone. This, I have been repeating ever since. So here goes:
1. You over analyze everything. The mere choices of ice cream flavors or preferred colors becomes a sign whether you two are compatible. How their ordering of your favorite drink becomes a sign that he/she is the one.

2. Video clips of moments with him/her starts playing nonstop in your mind – and you don’t have the STOP or PAUSE button in your remote control. What’s worse is that you don’t really want to stop going over those clips – plus you have that silly smile pasted on your face.

3. Still shots of him/her – you keep these (yep, plural!) in one of the folders of your personal and even office personal computer. You’ll definitely find a way so that you can stare at them or even just parts of them (cropped or close up shots of their hands, pet, etc.) will be easily accessed bu you.

4. You start taking note where he/ she position him/herself when you’re in a group – while walking, in class/ meeting, etc.

5. You find yourself using/ citing their statements unconsciously – this also includes hand gestures and facial expressions.

6. You not as enthusiastic whenever he/she is not around.

7. Their mere presence or even the sight of them is a sign that this day will be a good one.

8. You’ve developed the habit of checking if he/she is online. The “available” sign is enough to make your day. And then the wait for him/her to send you a message starts.

9. You review your replies to their messages twice – just to make sure you’re not that obvious.

10. You find ways of expressing your feelings – be it writing, drawing, humming, et cetera. He/she becomes your favorite subject. You may even want to start their page in Wikipedia. But you want to do these things anonymously.

So if you’re blushing right now or rather – convincing yourself that these statements are not true and are highly subjective, then you have definitely been “liking” someone.

Feel free to add to this list. I’d be more than happy to share what you’d be adding to this list.