now, i know

welcomed by emptiness when one goes home
that silence when you hold your breath
that space beside you when you sleep
a mirror to keep you company.

one longs for that warmth
the steady breathing of a life lulled
that presence of confirmation
a laughter echoing yours.

one wants to wake up in that embrace
to stare endlessly wearing a fool’s smile
to sleep pretend remain time a froze
unwilling from sleep to rouse.

hete

hate
becomes hate
and then turns into hate.
from heart to heart hate jumps
leaving sons of hate and hate.

so hate
becomes hate
and then turns into hate
and from soul to soul
a son hate leaves.

then hate
becomes hate
and then hate becomes hate
until no more hearts nor soul
is free of hate anymore.

where then is it to go?
with hate-free hearts and souls no more?
hate then hates more
and the the hate that hates more hate more
until one cannot hate anymore.

what then becomes of hate?
in the hearts and soul hate remains
’til both tire of hating
unable to hate more,
hate weakens
then hate meets forgiveness
the heart then manages a smile
alas the soul lives once more
that – or one dies a wasted life on hate.

lone

Perhaps it’s because of February
or just the cold
or perhaps the rain
or the stiff mattress I recently bought
or the habit of buying mugs, bowls, etc in pairs
or the sudden vastness of the closet in the room I transferred to
or perhaps because I’m twenty-two.

It dawned on me
I have been living alone on my own
for almost two years.

Two years
of having no one to come home to
of not having anyone to confide to
of silence
of peace
of living
of laughing
of watching DVDs
of eating breakfast
of waking up
alone.

forced

It tests one’s sanity being torn between finishing a task one hates doing and just having that rest the I believe a person needs to function efficiently. Problem is, if I choose to sleep, I’ll wake up feeling guilty and eventually hating myself for giving in to the mañana habit.

On the other hand, if I do force myself to work and attempt to finish the task, I do know I’ll end up revising the whole thing after getting that “Aha!” moment.

This REALLY sucks. And the fact that I know I’ll feel guilty about this post after receiving the pay for this task doesn’t help.

gylt

Had the weekend off.

Now, why can’t I help feeling guilty? When I decided I’d spend the weekend not doing anything work related, I felt I deserved to have the weekend off. At the time, I believed I did. Now, I’m starting to doubt that.

I felt I had too much rest and I feel guilty – now I feel more guilty. My boss just walked in and I forgot what she asked me to do earlier this afternoon. She ended up doing the task herself. Funny thing is, I still can’t remember what she asked me to do. My guilt meter just soared.

How does one set limits between work and rest? When does one deserve to indulge? When should you feel guilty and undeserving?

I feel like – I know – I always overdo things. I overwork, overindulge, and feel more guilty than I should. Now I’m over analyzing.

vacillare

One confirmation of you not liking someone is the unwillingness
to do them favors… and the irritation of caused by these people
thinking you’d see these requests as blessings.

One develops the habit of noticing minor pretentious gestures
which are starting to get to your nerves. One senses the vacillation
between respect and gratitude and irritation. Self-doubt builds up.
Am I already developing an “attitude”?

Maybe, maybe not. What you’re reading right now
is plain disillusionment. Disillusionment is when
you find yourself in reality after living
in a make believe world for quite a while.

People project “characters” not necessarily theirs’.
When you start focusing on their [poor] acting performances,
you know you’re starting to dislike them.

at 21

College life ended almost two years ago, that I find hard to believe. It seemed too long for two years. I find myself at a loss whenever I try recalling what happened between my graduation in April 2007 and the now. The difference in the then and now is evident. It is in the transition that I am interested in. How and when does one change? Through these realizations, try I may to trace change.

One has to want something hard enough to go after it. One needs to get things done – no one will do it for you. The wanting needs to be strong enough that one would shed all possible excuses not to go after something. I thought the post I dreamed of applying for were only for cum laudes ­, which I am not. I even failed one subject. Still, I applied for the post preparing for disqualification. I got the post. I found out being a cum laude was not a requirement.

Disillusionment is a sign that you’re part of the labor force. One starts caring about taxes and salary deductions. One now realizes that parents are not exaggerating whenever they tell their children they do not have money during payday.

Bills, bills, bills as an indicator of independence– traumatic and embarrassing experiences of paying overdue bills. From water and electricity bills up to – who can forget? – the rent. One gets to experience being scolded by the bank manager for not being able to maintain an ATM account. Yep, the ATM account closed because I was not able to maintain the P1000 minimum requirement – up to date the most embarrassing moment in my life.

Budgeting becomes innate. Though I never followed any of the budgets I drafted, still budgeting becomes part of you – unintentionally and unconsciously.