Some days, you feel like wringing your own neck  to get yourself out of miserable situations.

Most of the time, it’s during those situation when people waste time pausing and asking you questions that they themselves would have the answers if they could just bring themselves to do good research of whom to ask. That is not me. But of course we know that they are asking me that so I could politely offer to deal with such matters, make arrangements – which I used to do.

Emphasis on used to. Past tense. I’m not that person anymore. I do not know where people get the idea that I have the time to deal with these things.

What’s worse is when people drone on just to get to the point where they would request you to deal with some things. Yes, I really have all the time and energy to do every request. Did you want that delivered to your doorstep with some big freaking ribbon?! Like in an hour? It’s not like I have things to do. Definitely looking forward to dealing with your request. 

I am beat. Done with all the niceties. Would really appreciate having one week pass without requests for information that can be retrieved in the email inbox archive or on the net or via the phone. All it takes would be moving those fingers and allow brain cells some processing.

No, I cannot supervise that layout because I have papers to check and articles to publish.

No, I  really do not have time to edit those papers that you should be the one editing because it’s part of your job.

No, the paper cannot be released yet because there isn’t enough funds.

No, I wish you wouldn’t waste my time asking me details about that because in the end, you forget it anyway and do anything but what I suggested – which later would cause some concerns because you didn’t listen to the suggestion and it would bring me no joy to say I told you so – not that I would do that.

I am struggling to cling to that inner peace as advised by a good friend. But this week made it really really hard. I’m not giving up. Never giving up. Just needed to get it out.

How can so many things be so wrong overlapping in a week?!

Then again, there a good things – great things that happened. I just cannot recall them at the moment. But I know there a great ones this week. I had great laughs but they were so fleeting. Break in between moments of dread and time wasting and clinging to that inner peace.

It required greater effort to maintain some cool. Moments of dismissive, even abrasive behavior. Not something I’m proud of.

During days like this, one needs to look at a bigger problem, a concern more grave, or a situation way more unfortunate than what one is facing. And just like that, frustration turns to embarrassment. What right do I have to rage on what now seems to be such trivial matters.

It is so easy to be lost in one’s own problem. To keep one grounded, one only needs to look at the person next to you, the neighbor, the passer by, a friend – to realize how fortunate one actually is.

Of course, there will be other days like this – and on I would rant and complain. But at the end of the day, I hope to rid myself of negativity and calmly find that place of inner peace. It will never be easy. In the future, locating that place would be more tricky but it won’t be in the realm of impossibility.

 

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post thesis blues

This, I did not expect.

That sense of uneasiness one gets from having things too quiet or too relaxed or from having too much free time.

Last April, I managed to complete my manuscript – nothing fancy or intellectual but enough to make me get that masters degree. April until July passed by so fast I couldn’t remember much of what happened. I just knew they were more eventful than the normal.

Came August and things are staring to normalize. And this is when I have to face this uneasiness that’s been hovering over like a clump of dark clouds. You’d notice how dark and heavy they’re becoming yet the rain never drops. It’s like it’s waiting for the worst moment to rain on one’s day. I have more time to worry about it.

I like the idea that I have more free time and that I’m being paid more. It’s just not what I’m used to. My greatest fear is that I’d adjust to this seemingly great setup only to realize it’s just on passing. It’s just too good to be true. So I find myself growing anxious waiting  for that moment when I be saying Oh, here comes the work. I knew it was too good to last. Until I get to that moment, the anxiety grows. There’s the fear that I may have lost my momentum at work and the capacity to deal with a lot of things.

Overthinking things, I cannot help that.

I may have gotten used to the disappointment of the thesis backlog among other things that I find it odd when I have managed to complete it. In April and May, I celebrated and rewarded myself for completing the thing. Don’t get me wrong, I never want to return in that situation.

Have I gotten lax or lazy? Am I just so used with disappointment that I’m having trouble now that I have way less of it? Do I really deserve all these?

I’m having difficulty in accepting and adjusting to this. But I want to. I believe that enjoying this time is something I deserve. There’s just something a bit off. It’s like worrying that I’m enjoying this too much. Although, I see no problem in that. What I know I deserve differs from I  feel I deserve and not knowing the difference is what’s bothering me. I know I worked hard for everything but somehow I feel that I got more than what I deserve – although I couldn’t identify what I feel I deserved to have given what I’ve worked for.

A part of me dismisses these as my means of coping. I’m so used to anxiety that I end up worrying over such petty things. It’s easier to worry about something else rather than not to worry at all.

client

01282013

Initial laid out draft completed. Now awaiting comments for revision. Will still be  proofreading this one in a while. I’m really looking forward to sending a draft off to the press.

If only I could exert the same effort for my research, I would have completed the transcriptions by now. How I wish I could pay myself to prioritize my thesis  😀 Be my own client. That’s a thought.  (This is desperation.) Although I doubt the self-trickery would really work. When I’m desperate enough (more desperate than I am now) and when I have cash (now this is more of a challenge), I’d give this one a try.

It really doesn’t help when one (that would be me) knows that her client (still me) doesn’t have the cash to pay for the services rendered. I’ve run out of motivations for completing even just the transcriptions. I haven;t even touched the analysis part and the writing – the rewriting and the re-rewriting and the defense. God help me. And me, do please (seriously) help me.

Completing three out of 34 transcriptions in laughable. If I were my advisee, I’m get some serious lecture how one should prioritize working on transcribing the interviews immediately after conducting them. I did observe that I’ve become much more understanding to my research advisees’ concerns and limitations. I’ve constantly been using we. The advice is usually themed This-is-what-I-did. Don’t-be-like-me.

These days, I could tie everything that happens to my research – rather, the absence of its tangible form.

The only thing we had in common was that we both loved you – more than anything else. That’s set in past tense for me. I know better now.

The only thing we had in common was that we both loved you – more than anything else. That’s set in past tense for me. I know better now.

Not everyone has the movie/novel emotional moments where they get to get to deliver fancy lines. I definitely don’t wish to be in the context where I’d be the source or the receiver of these lines. I just hope these lines would come in bulk so I could perhaps fill pages? And complete one long story?